Breaking Down: A Parody of a Parody
by Hermione W. Cullen
Summary: Admit it: if you were satisfied by Breaking Dawn, it was only because of the major lulz provided. It was epic fail personified. With my trusty co-captain oO-Alice-Cullen-Oo, I set the record straight.
1. Enraged

Breaking Down: A Parody of a Parody (Or So We Wish)

**Breaking Down: A Parody of a Parody (Or So We Wish)**

_A/N for the A/N: This is a Breaking Dawn parody co-written between me and my friend oO-Alice-Cullen-Oo. Her version is ever so slightly different, so I recommend you check out both!_

_A/N: So, you all know that Stephenie Meyer wrote a 754-page novel entitled_ Breaking Dawn_. But what you didn't know is that she also sent her publishers a parody of the aforementioned, which was entitled "Breaking Down" and detailed all the possible things she could do to make fans angry. Unfortunately, the parody was accidentally published under the name of the real thing; it is a usurper so hideous it deserves to be overthrown in the most demeaning of ways: through satire. Hence, our story._

**I. The Booke of Bella**

_You are my sweetest love_

_That love I always want to hug_

_Because I really love you_

_The world just has to know._

--Schnuffel Bunny, "Snuggle Song."

Preface.

I'd almost died in every book so far. Sometimes twice. But this was somehow different.

It seemed 'oddly' inevitable, facing painful, gruesome death again. Like fandom would get their wish and I actually _would_ die one of these times. I'd escaped death time and time again, but now my author had finally pooped out.

However, she did make this time different from the others.

This time, it was something I loved that killed me. I don't know why, but my author believes that my self-righteous self-martyrdom is somehow a new plot. I could have gotten out of this.

But I loved the little nudger popping blood vessels in my eyes.

1. Enraged 

So I was driving along in my uber-expensive Mercedes Guardian that Edward tricked me into after murdering my beloved beast of a truck, on my way home from a mission to find some healthy and nutritious platypus blood for my One True Lover (and vampire) Edward Cullen. Some creepy tourist guys stopped me to take a picture, but that's another story. I spaced out for about four hours thinking about when we told Charlie that we were lahvers and we wanted to get married in the hautaub.

FLASHBACK

The weather in Forks was very unusual that day; it was raining buckets. I was sitting on the couch next to my One True Lover, feeling uncomfortable in spite of the large sparkly diamond on my finger. Charlie walked in the door, and Edward stood up to confront him.

"Yo, Char-lizzle!"

"NOOOO!!"

"Why?"

"Wait until he puts away his TV-ordered _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ patented ninja star!"

Edward's eyes darted toward the oddly shaped Adamantium object and back to me.

"You ain't frontin', yo. That is one tricked out star...thing," he finished lamely.

"Star thing?"

"Did I mention that I lost a bet to Emmett? He actually expects me to KNOW how to speak rapper. I never imagined it would be this difficult."

"What was the bet?"

Edward looked extremely nervous. "Yo, Char-dawg!" he called to my father, "How's it kickin', G? Keepin' it real?" I bit my lip to avoid laughing as Edward attempted to do the Official Drug Dealers' Handshake of 2006 with Charlie...without touching him. However, it would have been better if I'd just laughed; I ended up biting my lip so hard that I broke a lip-artery and blood filled my mouth. Edward stiffened and looked at me with his mouth hanging wide open. He whispered something, but I couldn't be sure if it was "blood" or Bella" but it came out something like "Beloodellad." Then Charlie looked at him, I looked at Charlie, and Edward kept staring at me... Was he drooling?

I didn't get to find out, because my brain chose that moment to register the scent of blood, and I promptly fell into a dead faint.

END FLASHBACK

I smiled as I remembered sitting on my bed as Edward described to me the scene that had taken place. He had told Charlie about our engagement while I was blacked out...

'NOTHER FLASHBACKXXXXX6XXXX

EPOV

"Wow. What's with her?" Charlie asked from behind the mask of his standard police chief ninja uniform.

"Well, I love her and she loves me, so we're gonna get married, 'kay?"

Charlie blinked a few times before turning into the giant airhead thing and exploding. Bella woke up at that moment.

"Whabuhuh?" she asked. I smacked her in the head, deciding a concussion was probably better for her health than knowing that her ninja father had just exploded into a giant fruit flavored candy.

As Bella fell into an even deader faint, I fell to my knees.

"What have I done?" I mumbled to myself. "I've given Bella another concussion! This can't be good for her health! Oh, I'm such a terrible person! I'm a monster! Angst, ANGST, **ANGST**!"

As I was kneeling there, hating myself, the Airhead that was Charlie sat up.

"So why are you getting married? Oh that's right... OMFG YOU MANWHORE! MY DAUGHTER'S EGGO IS PREGGO! I MIGHT AS WELL CALL HER FERTILE MYRTLE NOW BECAUSE I'VE GOT NEWS FOR YOU! THAT IS ONE DOODLE THAT CAN'T BE UNDID _HOMESKILLET_!!'"

I grimaced as Charlie turned my Rapper-talk against me.

"Trust me, Charlie," I said, "Bella is not pregnant. That would be highly unlikely; I'd even go so far as to say it's impossible at this time." Charlie sighed in relief, taking this to mean that we hadn't had sex--which was true, if only by my doing. Unfortunately, the impossibility of Bella getting pregnant was also my doing. If only I had died when I should have...

Of course Carlisle had mentioned something about the awesome power of our love causing Bella to have a half-vampire baby that she would proceed to name after both our mothers with some twisted combination of the two if we believed in our love enough. Yeah. Riiiight. There was no "Renesmee" or whatever in our future.

I returned to the task at hand. "Well, Charlie," I asked the sugary, fat-free piece of candy in front of me, "do we have your blessing?"

"Fine," the Airhead grumbled, "but you have to tell Renee. That way, if the shock turns her into a ham sandwich, it's your fault."

END OTHER FLASHBACK

BPOV

Despite my fears, Renee had not turned into a delicious snack. In fact, she seemed almost pleased with the match. She did, however want to plan the wedding which did not blow over well with Alice, so they had a miniature cage match that ended with Emmett kidnapping Renee , running to the end zone, and scoring a touchdown using her as the ball. That's what we get for putting the Wedding Planner Cage Match in the middle of the vampire Superbowl field. Oh well.

So. Alice had officially won the role of wedding planner. Which was why, when I got home, she was waiting for me, just doing the finishing touches on Charlie's Special Occasion Ninja Officer Suit. I had to say, he made me want to say "Wax on, wax off" when I saw him. That was until Alice brought out my wedding dress: The long white dress with so many ruffles and buttons and zippers and ruffles and lace and ruffles that I still could not walk in. Alice had assured me that Jasper was working on a rig that would just lift my feet off the ground and carry me down the aisle. Directly before that she had asked if I disliked Julie Andrews' Mary Poppins Umbrella in any way shape or form. True to my usual imperceptiveness, I answered "no."

Without quoting a single 80s movie, I complimented Charlie on his Special Occasion Ninja Officer suit. Then Alice whisked me away to my room for a fitting of my...dress-like thing. I had moaned and groaned as she dragged me up the stairs. She told me to go to my happy place and I immediately thought of a McDonald's Happy Meal. My happy place was at Mickie D's. With Edward. Eating a heart attack on a bun. And then going home. And then kissing and then making out and then we'd find a bed and... WHOA! I CAN'T THINK IMPURE THOUGHTS LIKE THAT! MY AUTHOR IS MORMON!

I was with Edward in my happy place, but then I realized I wasn't allowed. Damn you, Stephenie Meyer!

_A/N: Stay tuned for the next chapter, which we are starting right now. Review!_


	2. Thong Night

A/N: Thanks for all your kind reviews

A/N: Thanks for all your kind reviews! We're so glad you like it! Now, I'll spare you the rest of the paragraph I usually write so you can get straight to…

Chapter 2: Thong Night

After Alice had forced me into the mass of ruffles that she insisted was a dress, she told me that my hot pink granny-panties were not going to work under my scrumtrulescently white "dress." So we went to the mall. Edward insisted on coming so he could protect me from the rabid shopaholic that was Alice Cullen, and Emmett came to video tape it all for our 50th Anniversary dinner. I never had Emmett pinned down as one to plan ahead, but then again what else is he supposed to do for the next 50 years? Nothing with Rosalie...

Struggling to erase that thought from my head, I followed Alice forlornly into the mall. I was barely aware of where we were headed...until she led me straight into Victoria's Secret!

"Alice," I gasped, "what are we doing here?"

"Bella, Bella, Bella," she sighed, "we came here to get you underwear. Where did you think we were going?"

"I...uh...I...Target?" I sputtered.

Alice nearly had a spaz attack. "YOU. BUY. YOUR. UNDERWEAR. FROM...TARGET??" Then she went from nearly having a spaz attack to having an all-out spaz attack that caused every Target within a 400 mile radius to spontaneously combust.

"..." I replied sheepishly.

"Alice," Edward growled, "is this really necessary?"

"Oh, get over yourself, Edward," she said, "Bella needs underwear. It is a simple fact of...existence. It is also a simple fact of existence that Target will not do for wedding underwear."

Both of us stared at her in alarm.

"...on account of it's a white dress, and all," she finished. She took my sigh of relief as an invitation then, and dragged me into the store.

"Now if you truly have your heart set on the hot pink, you'll have to get a thong. Really if you don't want your underwear showing you'll have to get a thong. Edward, help your fiancé pick out a thong. I have some shopping to do." She smiled evilly and bolted around a massive rack of underwear before my blush had a chance to reach its full intensity.

"Uh..." said Edward eloquently.

"Uh..." I replied intelligently.

A blonde preteen girl in a low-cut pink tank top stared at us and snickered. "Over there," she informed us, pointing toward the lingerie section of the store.

She watched with amusement as we wandered embarrassedly toward the horror landscape of lace. As we meandered here and there, I noticed that two girls were following us. I tried to ignore them, but every time I glanced back they appeared to have multiplied until there was no one else in the store besides us... Until I turned around and figured out where they all went... and that they were all staring at my ONE-TRUE-LOVER-SEXY-GOD-OF-PERFECTION-VAMPIRE-FIANCE-SOULMATE!! I decided that as soon as I was a newborn, they would all be the first to die. I'd have to remember to take down names.

The titters of the nosy preteens grew louder and louder until they reached a dull roar. Suddenly, when my cheeks were so red I thought I'd explode in a giant geiser of tomato juice, Emmett appeared.

"Hey, Bella! How's your first time in Victoria's Secret going?" He asked with a grin from behind the video camera he was using to document this for posterity. More tittering from the preteens. Emmett rolled his eyes and turned to face them all. There were a few gasps among the crowd as he said, "Girls... OMIGOD DAKOTA FANNING IS THAT YOU!?" He looked pointedly at one of the shorter blonde girls.

Unfortunately, this did not have the desired effect. Instead, the blonde turned bright red as the tittering grew to the volume of an army of angry chipmunks. Emmett's eyes scanned the crowd, then, seeing the devoted looks on their faces, threw the video camera aside and made a run for it.

"You're lucky this time, Edward! But be warned--Jasper is coming for y..." Emmett's voice faded as he ran faster.

"What was that about?" I asked Edward.

"Emmett was...collecting me."

"Collecting you for what?"

"My...bachelor party," he admitted sheepishly.

I stared at him for a few loooong moments before giving him a puppy dog face and saying, "You would never go to a strip club or anything would you?"

"Bella, no! Absolutely not! I would never--"

"BUT WE WOULD!" Came Jasper and Emmett's voices in unison from behind a large potted plant.

"Emmett, I heard that!" Edward growled, apparently referring to a thought.

"Good. I was counting on it. Now let's go, or I'll tell her."

"Tell me what?" I asked Edward, crossing my arms.

"What our bet was about," Emmett offered helpfully from behind the plant.

If Edward wasn't already absurdly pale, I'm sure his face would have turned white. "Fine, you win," he grumbled to the little palm tree. "I'll go."

"Edward??"

"I'm not telling you, Bella."

"Eddd-waaard??"

"No."

"Eddie-kins??"

"If you call me that again it will be a bigger no."

"Pweeeeeeaase?"

"Oh my dear sweet Bella! I can't leave you here all alone by yourself to be redundant!" Emmett and Jasper looked at him disapprovingly. "Well I can't leave her here! She's my lahve! I NEED her and her calming prescence!"

"No you don't, that's why Jasper's coming!"

"IT'S NOT THE SAME!!"

I sighed. "Edward, just go. Emmett can tell me later."

"That's exactly what I'm afraid of," he muttered.

"Thank you, little sister!" Emmett shouted. He bounded out from behind the potted plant, followed by Jasper. The two of them grabbed Edward's shoulders and marched him out of the store. As they paraded out of the mall, a horde of teenage girls, several of their mothers, and one grandmother followed them. Emmett whistled a tune, pied-piper style, and waved a palm branch around like a conductor's baton.

LATER

I was asleep in bed, having a most frightening dream.

I was running through the forest dressed as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. The Wicked Witch of the West was there, alternating between being scary and saying "I'll get you my pretty" and being Idina Menzel and singing "It's time to tryyyyyy defying gravity" while flying vampire toasters attacked me. I woke up feeling even more odd than I had the time I ate taquitos before bed and dreamt that I was locked in glass cube and all anyone would feed me were saran-wrapped brownies and then Alice busted me out with a battering ram and Edward, Alice, and I all high-tailed it out of Forks and straight to Nova Scotia!

Looking around, I realized Edward was absent, went into a three-page-long panic, and recalled that he was at his 'bachelor party.' I gulped at the term. I looked around the room, my eyes finally resting on the lime green lace thong (I had just grabbed the first one I touched) draped over the arm of my rocking chair. I sighed and closed my eyes. Eventually, I fell back asleep, thinking of Edward.

This dream was even scarier. I was in the baseball meadow from the first book, feeling an odd sense of foreboding. The sky was dark; I quickly realized that the sky was chock-full of flying penguins. Trying to shut out the irony of this, I focused on the task at hand. I seemed to be guarding something. It only took me to realize that it was, in fact, a jewel encrusted fish shaped necklace-locket thing that was a magical amulet that had once belonged to the Banana King, protector of all ironic flying penguins!

The black mass of flying flightless birds ghosted toward me with frightening speed. I stared back into the face of the jewel-encrusted fish. Its red eyes sparkled at me, full of fishy bloodlust. I woke with a start. _This somehow relates to the five-page-long backstory Carlisle gave me on Tanya's family_, I thought to myself. _Hmm_.

I got up and stretched, contemplating the vampire wedding that was sure to be the strangest day of my life.

_A/N: So Bella, in all her ineptability (which oO-Alice-Cullen-Oo is now declaring IS a word), has decided that her wedding day is going to be the strangest day of her life. You know, as opposed the first time Edward saved her life, the day she found out he was a vampire, the day she found out Jacob was a werewolf, the day she met the rest of the Cullens, and the night she spent freezing up in the mountains. Nope, getting married definitely tops those in MY book! -rolls eyes- So here is where we conclude chapter two of our parody of a ridiculous-ness. Review! Kthnxbye!_


	3. Wig Spray

A/N: Thanks for all your kind reviews, folks

_A/N: Thanks for all your kind reviews, folks! Sorry this chapter took a little longer…Alice and I had some major figuring out to do for this scene. Hope you like it…_

3. Wig Spray 

I was sitting in the kitchen drinking some healthy and nutritious Florida orange juice when Charlie walked in. He wasn't wearing his standard issue ninja suit today. Instead he was wearing a normal gray suit. Which was weird because lately he'd been wearing everything from a Darth Vader costume to an Emeril Lagasse chef suit knock-off. He wasn't exactly taking Jacob insert middle name here Black's disappearance well.

I poured Charlie a bowl of cereal as I reminded him to pick up Mr. Weber, who is so conveniently authorized to bind people in holy matrimony, and to show up looking presentable. I gave him a look that screamed, "NO COWBOY SUITS!" We sat there talking for a few sentences, when all of a sudden the bowl of cereal that Charlie was eating spontaneously turned into a plate oooooooffffffff...PANCAKES!

"Wow, that was weird," I said.

"What?" Charlie asked, "I didn't notice anything!"

"Yeah!" said my editor from the other side of the page, "neither did I!"

"Neither did I," added my author.

"The...Pancakes...and...th-the...cereal...oh, never mind..." So we sat there. And sat there. And sat there. And then Charlie coughed. And then we sat some more. And then Alice ran in, grabbed me, and threw me into the trunk of her Porsche in about 2.98 seconds.

"Wff gffffng ffn?" I tried to shout from my tiny canary yellow prison.

"Silly Bella," Alice sighed from the driver's seat, "I have to make you stunning for your wedding, and I knew you'd never agree to it unless I kidnapped you. I thought about hog-tying and gagging you, but that might have made your hair even worse, and I have my hands full as it is."

I was about to complain, but she had already parked, dragged me out of the car, thrown me over her shoulder, and was busting down the front door.

"Whoopsies," she said in a singsong voice as she threw the door back into place. I looked around at all the white furniture and the white decorations. It was all so... white. And blinding. I had to squint against the sun coming in through the giant glass window…not for long, though—Alice tied a heavy black blindfold around my eyes at that moment. Then I sniffed the air.

"Mmmmmm... what is that smell??"

"Is it good? You're the first human in here, well besides Mike Newton, but Emmett umm..."

"Alice...?"

"Well, it wasn't his fault really, Mike was just..."

"Alice, what did Emmett do?"

She sighed in defeat. "Emmett ate him."

My jaw flopped up and down for a moment before, with a resolute gulp, I closed my mouth while attempting to mutter "Oh." It came out something like "oAhmfhgAh," and Alice looked at me with concern. I was now choking, which is what I got for trying to speak and swallow at the same time.

After a moment, Alice sighed, "Bella, could you please stop that? Your eyes are going to go all red and teary and I've already got enough on my plate as it is. You're really not being helpful at all."

"Ex-choke-cus-cough cough-Se meEheeechoke" I sputtered, "I di-didn't mean-choke-to-cough-of--COUGH COUGH **COUGH**" I smartly finished my retort.

"Yeeeeeeeeeeah. Right. So did you wanna try guessing the smell now??" I choked on nothing for a few more moments before responding by deeply inhaling the air. Which made me start choking again. When that finally stopped, I tried to answer her.

"It smells like orange blossoms and something else..."

"Great job, Bella! I'm going to pretend that you have an excellent sense of smell because you could identify one and a half of the four flowers!"

I smiled modestly. I'm so perceptive and intelligent, sometimes I amaze myself.

"Riiigggghhhtt," Alice continued, "Time-to-go-upstairs. Come-With-me." And she picked me up and whisked me upstairs.

"_Whisked_ is a funny word," I mused as Alice started mercilessly combing my hair.

I was saved from Alice's response by Rosalie's entrance. "Oh, good, you're here!" Alice cried. "I need you to do her hair. Get the...hair apparatus from my closet. Pin here, here, and here." She indicated a few different spots on my head, which I was tossing about in confusion, as I was still blindfolded.

"Alright," Rosalie replied. I could smell a smile in her voice. Since when was she nice to me? But I guess everyone was a little out of character today. Must be the nerves.

"Bella," Alice said to me, "I have to remove your blindfold to do your makeup. You will open your eyes only when I do your mascara, and you will under no circumstances look in the mirror or at the door. Do you understand?"

"Sure, but, Alice, when did you get all abrasive?"

"I'M NOT ABRASIVE, DAMMIT!! NOW SHUT UP AND DON'T LOOK AT ANYTHING OR I'LL CLAW YOUR LITTLE EYES OUT!" Yup. It seemed that everyone had acquired a little pre-wedding OOC flu.

"Bella, just do as she says," came Renee's feeble voice from the hallway, "If you don't she'll keeell you."

"She won't"--I began, but stopped short when I accidentally opened my eyes and saw Alice's expression. I quickly shut my lids tight.

"Ah, Rose," Alice greeted upon Rosalie's re-entrance, "I see you've got it. Perfect. Remember where I told you to pin it?"

"Alice," Rosalie replied in the unusually good-natured voice she had adopted for this most auspicious of occasions, "Settle down. Of course I remember. Everything is going to go fine."

"What does _auspicious_ mean?" I wondered out loud.

"Here, here, and _here_," Alice reminded Rosalie, jabbing three spots on my head with unnecessary force while completely ignoring my comment.

For the next two hours, I was pulled, jabbed, brushed, applied to, smudged, pinned, and sprayed. The spraying was what I particularly noticed. I heard huge amounts of spraying, which seemed aimed at my hair, but I didn't feel any of it. However, my head was starting to feel very heavy, so I trusted that it was effective.

Finally, Alice said, "Okay, Bella, time to get you dressed. Keep your eyes closed or else. You WILL see the full effect, or my name isn't Alice Cullen."

"Techinically, it's Mary Alice Br"--Rosalie's facetiosity was cut off by a very high-pitched, wordless reproach from Alice.

"Well, you're not stressed out," I observed to her.

I thought I heard Rose chuckle.

It took another half hour or so for the two of them to fit me into all of my petticoats, bustles, hoop skirts, ruffles, lace, beads, ruffles, ornaments, ribbons and ruffles. Eventually--finally--Alice sighed loudly.

"What is it?" I wondered in alarm. Several hours without being allowed to see can do things to a person.

"You look gorgeous. I feel so much better now."

"Does that mean you're going to stop snapping at me and be in character?" Rosalie asked her with relief.

"WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?" Alice shouted, "I'M NOT IN CHARACTER? OF COURSE I'M IN CHARACTER! I'M AS IN-FRICKIN'-CHARACTER AS IT'S POSSIBLE TO BE!!"

"Can I look now?" I interrupted timidly.

"Go ahead," Rosalie encouraged.

I opened my eyes and gasped. I was...I was...an eighteenth-century princess! Seriously, I looked like Marie-Fruit-Loopin'-Antoinette. Only less dead. Added to my gigantic wedding cake of a gown was an even ginormous-er...wig! It was about five feet tall, and I now saw the necessity of all those wierd spraying sounds--the thing had been sprayed all over with white spray-that-dries-into-powder. My face was powdered to match, and there was even a beauty mark.

I was speechless for a moment. But then, comforting myself, _it can't get much stranger or more out of character than this_, I managed to choke out a "wow."

Alice made me sit absolutely still while she got dressed, afraid that if I

moved, all her work would come crashing down. I was fine with that until I heard the front door open and shut multiple times. I could tell from the chattering chipmunk noises coming from downstairs that guests were arriving by the dozen. I gulped nervously and Alice's small silver cell phone began to buzz. I picked it up, assuming it was Edward or Emmett or Rosalie or Esme or Carlisle.

"Hello?"

"Yeth, hello Mith Cullen," came a very lispy voice, "I'm calling to confirm your order for two ticketh to Rio De Janeiro for a Mithter and Mithuth Edw--" at that moment Alice grabbed the phone from me and glared.

"If you ever do that again, I will take you on the most cliched-Alice-shopaholic-never-ending-shopping-spree you have ever seen."

"Who was that?" I asked her anyway.

"NOT a lispy pirate travel agent!" Alice yelled furiously. I hid in a corner.

Finally, we were only minutes from starting the wedding when Renee and Charlie walked into Alice's room.

"Ohmigod Bella you're growing up too fast and I love you but you're so young and act so old and you never have any fun but all I want is for you to be happy!!" Renee (who looked like Tiny Tim with one crutch from the cage match with Alice) shrieked all in one breath/sob.

"Umm...thanks?"

"And we had to get you something, so here you go!" Charlie (who was dressed as Willy Wonka. Gene Wilder, not Johnny Depp. Gene's outfit was better) said as he held out a box.

"Oh thank you so much!" I ripped open the box. "Ooooo pretty shiny sparkly things that have nothing to do with any of the plot except that they're old and blue and go along with the whole wedding thing and then disappear from the story forever! How did you know!?" Charlie/Willy Wonka began to turn red. Which made me turn red. Which made Renee ask what color a smurf turns when you choke it. We all just kinda stared at her until Alice made us all get into our positions.

"Well," Charlie said while grabbing the wooden baseball bat he was going to use to ward off the rabid blood-thirsty Jessica Stanleys, "Bells, we're up to bat." And we walked out and took our places at the top of the stairs.

From our spots, we could hear Rosalie, who had magically gained musical ability, playing the absolutely most cliched song every to hit the world: PACHELBEL'S CANON!! Wondering since when Rosalie could play the piano, I took up my bat, attempting to wave it threateningly at a glowering Lauren while also beaming my face off at Edward, who was standing at the makeshift alter, dressed in a fine array of breeches, leggings, buckled shoes, an elaborately embroidered tailcoat, and a white-powdered wig like mine. He did not have a beauty mark.

It wasn't until I had fought off my urges to kill Lauren, run to Edward, and fall on my face, AND gotten all the way down the stairs that I realized that the man at the altar was not a priest (the man who was supposed to be the priest. Not Edward. We know he's not a priest). It was Emmett. I stood there in horror as Emmett gave me a huge grin and cleared his throat.

"Why is HE standing THERE?!" I whispered frantically to Edward

"MAWWIAGE," Emmett interjected, "MAWWIAGE IS WHOT BWINGS OS TOGEVER TODAY." Edward glanced at him and then back at me.

"He got a clerical license off the internet," Edward explained sheepishly. "I thought that was what you'd want."

"Oh," I said faintly, contemplating the way Edward always seemed to do exactly what was wrong for me in his attempts to make me happy, Alice's strange control freak behavior, the weird mood my author seemed to be in, Emmett's obsessive _Princess Bride_ quoting...

My reverie seemed to have lasted longer than I though, because both Edward and Emmett were staring at me expectantly.

"What?" I whispered nervously. Edward looked at me incredulously and Emmett was making some weird head gesture... movement... thing...

"What?" I whispered again.

"-COUGH- I -COUGH- DO!!" came Alice from behind me.

"Wha-- OH! RIGHT! Umm I do?" It sounded like a question.

Emmett sighed and turned to Edward, "And do YOOOOOU EdwardAnthonyMasenCullen take IsabellaMarieSwanAlmostACullen to be your wife and promise to love her until you both are torn to shreds and set on fire?"

"I do," he said quietly with a little crooked smile.

"Alrighty then! I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride!"

Still smiling the crooked-smile-that-with-the-number-of-times-I've-mentioned-it-you-must-know-is-my-favorite-or-you're-an-idiot, Edward leaned toward me. Being the horny little human that I was, I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him...and kissed him...and kissed him...

"Ahem," glowered the only Jessica still standing. I tore myself away from my One True Lover and smiled sheepishly at the crowd.

There was a beat of dead silence. Then, always one to break the ice, Emmett yelled, "HOORAY!"

Everyone, except for the glaring Jessica, cheered with him.

_A/N: Alright so next is the whole wedding reception thing where Jacob goes all mental (not that he hasn't already done that, but you get it...). Also! We will be doing a druuuuuuumroooooooollllllllll... Q AND A!! Because we've gotten questions that we would like to answer in a fun comical way for your enjoyment, the opening A/N of the next chapter will include this special feature. Send your questions in by review only!_


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